Top 4 Places Where NOT To Wear Your Swim Suit.
Summer sun exposure has different effects on all people. As virtically enhanced beings, we are technically closer to said sun and therefore the side effects may be more severe for us. For most of us we get a crisp golden brown color when exposed and all of the sudden we are in vibrant and loving moods because of the natural vitamin D exposure. For others, it burns the hell out of you leaving you look like a Maine Lobster fresh out-the-pot and exhausted from merely sitting or standing around. The remainder of us have more severe reactions to lots of sun exposure in which our brains cease working and we begin to say, do, feel, and even hallucinate fun and interesting new things.
Things like falling asleep on The Lawn in Central Park, drinking two too many Margaritas, crossing against the light, renting a CitiBike, OR dressing vastly inappropriately to common every day destinations. To this, ThereAreGiants has responded with the help of our 6'7" GIANT model Turo, here is your guide to THE TOP FOUR PLACES TO NOT BE CAUGHT IN ONLY YOUR SWIM TRUNKS...
NYC Yellow Cab
Don't even get me started on how many sweaty barely clothed people sit on that unwashed leather. It's hot, it's humid, it's sticky, and everyones ass, not just yours, sticks and slides around that seat. Why wash your swim wear more than you need to? More importantly why risk getting MRSA on your amply exposed legs?
Cleanliness aside, Abdul Mohammad Jaffar Rafiki Zbrylikwab doesn't need a free peep show - especially if you're going to be sporting these cute yellow 6 inch inseam trunks from Bonobos (sadly they're now out of yellow - but here's NAVY). Save that for the pier, the beach, or your friends let's-have-a-swim-suit-party-because-it's-humid-and-pouring-down-rain party.
Reading and research is great. In fact, being in a library has become an archaic activity thanks to Al Gore's invention of the internet, so anytime I find anyone in a library I applaud them; even if it's the GWB liberry (do they even have books in there?). However, though they may be a lovely air conditioned escape from the summer heat, and contain that mildewy nostalgic old-book smell, a public library is not a place you want to be hanging out in your swim trunks.
Think of all of the students, professors, and homeless people you will be distracting from getting their work done. Consider the staff and their inability to focus on figuring out the Dewey Decimal System (DDS). No one teaches that any more; it's difficult!
As a courtesy to the aforementioned library clientel, keep these JCrew searsucker board beach shorts for the sand and sea. Wouldn't you rather be seen strutting down the boardwalk in them than catching up on high school reading lists you never completed?
The Frozen Foods Isle
Judge lest ye be judged is all I'm gonna say about this. I get it; it's summer, you're hot, and sweaty, and want some refreshing mint chocolate chip in your mouth - I do too, but could you do it in overalls and NOT this awesome and festive forth-of-July woven swim suit from H&M?
Summer in NYC is one of my least favorite things in the entire world. The humidity is so thick that breathing it in you near next to choke. It's bad enough that I have to watch all of these guys who spent October to May camped out on their gym floor picking things up and putting them down, but additionally if I see your six pack of abs and jacked up thighs picking up an Eddy's pint, I'm gonna give you a stank face you'll never forget. I put away a few onces of ice cream every few weeks and thats perfectly fine, right? But if you're going to rub in my face that you do it too AND look like this, be prepared to have mental stones thrown at you.
On the other hand, if you're merely holding the door open to experience that blast of frigid air - forget everything I just said; I'm going to go do some sit ups.
"Bless me father for I have... why is there a GIANT man in a TINY bathing suit in that pew over there praying? Having one man in a loin cloth in here is enough, but now TWO? Good Christ, now I can't focus on Christ and his loin cloth cause I'm distracted by this monster in his."
Ok maybe that's not EXACTLY the type of prayer that's being said in the pews, however, this more 'formal' swim trunk is a real head turner, and one wouldn't want to turn heads in church - it's not for the prideful, I'm told. You also wouldn't want to risk being caught with the collection plate in these navy blue belted short shorts either because at only $17.95 from H&M, those church-goers KNOW that you have some extra funds to donate.
Try if you can to stear clear of the sanctuary this summer, at least not without a shirt and tie. Summer in NYC may be brutal, but it's probably cooler than eternal damnation.