Christmas time is among us. What gave that away? Well all of the pretty lights and festive decorations around town, of course. Multi-colored lights strung around lamp posts, electrically lit up characters in your neighbors front yard, Christmas trees decked out to the max in every public park you can find are only the less subtle clues that it is now that time of year where you should be feeling that inner warmth of what they call ‘Holiday Cheer.’
Nothing? No? Not feeling that excited knot of Christmas joy in your gut?
Well then perhaps that is because we have reached mid-month of December and you still don’t have your Christmas tree up. Look, I understand – you’re a guy, and unless you have a girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, or housekeeper doing the decorating, you just don’t want to do it.
NTERVENTION! You have to have a Christmas tree; it’s the law. And there are ways to decorate a lovely Holiday bush and still keep your manhood intact. Your buddies won’t swing by for a brewsky and ask ‘Hey man, what’s with the tree, dude? Did you get a girlfriend or something, bro?’ There will be none of that because this tree will bring joy and giddiness to even the manliest of your dude-bro-man friends.
Step 1 – Get a tree.
It’s not terribly hard to locate Christmas Trees. They are selling them on sidewalks, malls, and the sides of the road. So just hop on your method of transportation of choice and go get one. BUT WAIT – don’t get a gigantic tree – the ladies will just think that you’re compensating for something. Stick with the classic ironically small tree. It’s cute – like a little puppy – and chicks will go nuts over how cute your holiday bush is.
Step 2 – Lights
I am of the school of thinking that all those colorful lights are just unsightly. Since when did red, green, and orange go together when they weren’t on a football uniform? Keep it simple – white lights are classic, beautiful, and go with everything (not to mention cheaper).
Step 3 – Ornaments Part 1
ThereAreGiants specifically went to Monkey Business to scavenger for decorations. This is a great pop-up-shop in the Christmas Village shops that appear in Bryant Park, Central Park South, and Union Square Park this time of year. What you are looking for are weightier ornaments – wood, tin, metal. This type will give your tree some balls; no stuffed teddy bears or lace trimmed stockings for this guy. We chose modes of transportation, childhood icons, and manimals (circus monkey, frog prince, bull dog).
Step 3 – Ornaments Part 2
You can’t stop there. You have your man decorations, but lights and basic hanging things just aren’t enough, sir, I am sorry. However, this next part you’re going to love. BOOZE! Go to your local liquor store and pick out a fair amount of your favorite boozes in shot size – they run about $2.99-$4.99 each. We chose whiskey and bourbon because what else does a man drink that comes in shot form? DUH! Get some cheap 99c ribbon from the drug store festivities isle and tie said ribbon around the neck of said alcohol and hang. BAM! You have a functioning tree. Having friends over? No need to BYOY, you have your own Christmas tree ornaments.
Step 3 – Ornaments Part 3
Ok, men, this part you may not like to hear, but it’s truly what is going to pop a wow out of your Christmas Tree viewer reactions. Go buy some thick ribbon in a deep color (haha thick & deep). ThereAreGiants chose burgundy because it’s the most popular color of the season (if you haven’t seen someone wearing burgundy pants/jeans/chinos, you’re not paying attention). Cut off several 12-inch strips and tie them into bows. Don’t know how to tie a bow? It’s like tying your damn shoe – don’t pretend with me. Place these bows sporadically throughout your already boozed up tree, but further in than the rest of the more superficially lain ornaments to create some depth – let the lights do the rest.
So there it should be, – your Christmas/Holiday Tree; Decked out in a classic, manly, but festive way. No one coming over to your house will question your state of single-hood with this kind of tree, not only because it looks great and was easy to do, but it’s creative, cool, and makes cocktails!